Q : Unaware that my husband was having an affair with another woman, I got divorced because he suddenly left home and asked for a divorce. I found out that he is having an affair with another woman in the process of divorce. He doesn't pay child support but comes to see the children once every week. I cannot understand his behaviors and don't want to see him anymore, but my children like him.
A : There are cases of having a divorce without knowing the spouse's infidelity. If your husband suddenly asks you a divorce, that is not because there is a problem but because he has found another woman to substitute your role and have fun with. There are some case that a man chooses to divorce to protect his wife and children from possible dangers after he failed his business too, but other than that, major cause of divorce is usually related to husband's infidelity.
Who would have custody of the children was determined, and he also promised to support child-rearing expenses. However, he is not keeping his words; it is because people having extramarital affairs do not have the basic concept of human relationships. Due to this, when it comes to the children, he does whatever he wants in a way he feels comfortable. He won't do it if it stresses him out. He doesn't even remember whether he gave the child-rearing expenses or not because problems in his human relationships have become that serious due to his psychological disorder.
At this point, he comes to see his children for two possible reasons: first is because he likes his children, and second is to see his ex-wife. Or, it could possibly because he wants to monitor the ex-wife. Various reasons are possible, but what you are missing is that you are not thinking about treating yourself. You must treat your psychological wounds so that your ex-husband can see something has changed when he comes to see children. You will be different after being treated. The following results could vary depending on which role you play while your ex-husband is wondering what is going on.
It is natural for you not wanting to see your ex-husband. You became aware of his inappropriate relationship with another woman in the process of divorce. It's even more annoying to see the ex-husband coming to meet children regularly without giving any child-rearing support. But if you are treated and have the ability to be happy, you won't have to face painful and difficult times no matter who comes to you. Then, you can talk calmly and comfortably to your ex-husband about why he keeps coming. Currently, you accept your ex-husband's attitude in worry that it will be a problem for children's liking about their father if you don't let him come; however, the relationship of children and father is not going to be a matter to you anymore if you are treated.
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However, if children cannot see their father forcibly, they will have a difficult time. Then, it is the mother's fault. If you live happily rearing children, they will understand their mother. In this case, the cause of their parents' divorce becomes their father.
He is just an ex-husband. You lived with him before the divorce, but now he is just a person who is not related to you at all. He just comes as children's father. Thus, you won't have any problem if you recover yourself first and then decide how to cope with him without hurting yourself and children.
If he doesn't support child-rearing expenses, of course, he cannot meet the children, which is the right thing. He has been able to see the children just because he is the father. If you are not treated and don't know how to cope with it like this, this problem will continue. Your ex-husband considers and will consider his situation as if he is not divorced. He will keep on meeting and having fun with another woman and then coming back home to see children.
The woman your ex-husband has an affair with is more likely to be a married woman if he comes only on weekends to see children. If she is married, it is not easy to meet her on weekends because she also has her family. In this case, your ex-husband has nothing to do on weekends; maybe he uses this time to see children due to this reason.
You must treat your psychological wounds first even if you are already divorced. The trauma caused by spouse's infidelity lasts forever if it is not treated. Just be reminded that it is not late to think about the relationship with the ex-husband later after your wound treatment is done while protecting children.
