Q. My ex-wife and I got a divorce due to wife infidelity a year ago. My ex-wife often visits us saying that she wants to stay with children. I refused a few times but recently began to let her stay. We do not talk to each other but she stays with children for a couple of days and leaves. I am confused whether it is a right thing to let her stay in my place. How should I behave when she is around me? 

A. Your wife has developed relationship addiction, which is a psychological disorder. Women's relationship addiction gets aggravated as time passes. The husband develops post traumatic stress upon the discovery of wife infidelity, which causes excruciating psychological pain. 

Fortunately, the fact that your wife comes to see children and stays with them may indicate that her condition is not severe enugh to forget about children completely and she still keeps maternal love in her unconscious. Also, it may additionally indicate that the relationship with her adulterer has problems. However, her relationship addiction will keep being aggravated as time passes regardless of her circumstance.

Your wife is in relationship addiction and you are in post traumatic stress, which makes any interaction between the two people difficult and almost impossible. Neither of you may feel comfortable to be around each other. As the situation where your wife visits to see children and both of you feel awkward to be around each other repeats, your relationship gets harder and harder to be restored. 

It is recommended that you keep allowing her to visit your place. She may have no other place to go to and she may end up getting involved with another man when she is rejected by you. It is also recommended that you calmly talk with your ex-wife. To be able to do so, you must treat post traumatic stress first and restore healthy psychology and happiness ability. Then, you can also talk about her treatment and even the restoration of family relationship. 

Your ex-wife must treat relationship addiction. However, it is highly likely that she will reject the idea that she has a condition and will not show interest in treatment since she has the consciousness disorder. Women in relationship addiction only desire other people's attention instead of making efforts to recover and men in relationship addiction only desire others' response. You must treat yourself first and then decide whether you will restore the relationship with your ex-wife or choose otherwise. 

When you restore you own healthy psychology, you will be able to calmly discuss what both of you can do to proceed with life. Your ex-wife may or may not decide on the treatment, which is solely her own right and responsibility. For now, do not try to do anything when your ex-wife visits your place since it will only aggravate the situation. It is recommended that you give her a chance to recover since she is still the mother of children and still has maternal love at least. 

About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)