Q. I was away from home for two months. When I came back home, I found out that my husband was having an affair. I exploded with rage at him. I told other family members including my children about his infidelity. I think that I should have been more prudent. Now, my husband is demanding a divorce but I don't want to get a divorce. 

A. Many people blame themselves for being careless and displaying rage upon the discovery of spouse infidelity. Blaming yourself does not help in any way, so it is recommended against. You exploded because it was too painful and simply unbearable. Your husband is demanding a divorce because he thinks there is no hope in marriage relationship. Having hope means that you think you can restore family and live happily together. When all the family members learn about his infidelity, he may think that he cannot but live as a perpetrator for the rest of his life. 

People in relationship addiction may ask for forgiveness or leave home to get out of stress at first. However, they may demand a divorce once they are convinced that there is no place they can go back to. The wife may have displayed wounds and rage in order to restore marriage relationship but it turns out in the opposite way. 

The first thing you need to do is to treat your post traumatic stress and build happiness ability. Then, you can build the environment in which you can protect your children and family and your husband can join you. It will make him look back his wrong behaviors, feel regret and repentance, and think about treating his condition of relationship addiction. 

After you treat post traumatic stress, you can decide whether you want to live with your husband or get a divorce. Either way, you must first treat yourself before anything to restore healthy psychology and right judgment. Then, you can also protect your children and live happily with them regardless of your husband's condition. 

Displaying rage repeatedly will only aggravate all the situations. When the wife continues to display extreme rage, the husband may live under the complete control of the wife or get a divorce and leave the wife. The fact that you feel pain but do not want to get a divorce indicates that you still have the power to recover. Please, treat your condition, protect your children, and give your husband an opportunity for treatment.

About KIP(Korea Institute of Psycho-education)