Q : I am still psychologically dependent on my husband even though I can stand independent economically. I don't know why I cannot tell him, who has an extramarital affair with another woman, that I want to go on a trip with children. I get mad at myself because I'm still living on my husband's schedule. He seems to want to grip on me and children while secretly keeping on his infidelity. 

A : The question holds lots of assumptions about your husband. The reason you cannot be psychologically independent of him is because of a hope that your relationship can possibly recover like 'he might end his relationship with her' or 'he might come back someday.' There is one thing that you must be clear about. Your husband has a psychological disorder, and this psychological disorder cannot be treated by himself. What you can do first in this situation is to make an environment where the husband can come back. In other words, you need to treat your wounds and make yourself happy.

Economical and psychological independence is important in the situation of a spouse's infidelity; the reason for being impossible to be independent psychologically is the emotion of love. No matter how much he harms you psychologically, you still like him and want to recover your relationship. Because of this, you try to fit yourself to his standard. It hinders psychological independence; if your wound is not treated, your psychological independence is even more difficult since wound needs someone’s attention.

https://youtu.be/65Xu8fKFXTg

So, you spend, or waste, time anticipating the possibility of relationship recovery, making yourself suffer from a more difficult time. In the end, you have to decide either to divorce or endure the difficulty.

If you do not want to face that situation, you must treat and recover yourself first so that you can become independent psychologically. Psychological independence does not mean to behave arbitrarily. If your husband is still in an extramarital relationship with another woman secretly, you must be able to tell him what you know. You should tell him that you have recovered yourself and become stabilized and then give him a chance to decide. Then, whether you give him some time or divorce, you can still be happy whatever the outcome is.

You are unhappy because you know that whatever you decide would make yourself unhappy. You must be able to live with children happily regardless of your husband's infidelity.

Therefore, the number one priority is to treat your wounds, be psychologically independent, and make yourself stabilized. Then, children will also be protected by their mother. Even if you divorce, you won't suffer from pain. It is the same if you just live as you do now. It's just that he needs to be noticed about your status after your wound treatment. That way, he can have a chance for recovery at least.

Those with psychological disorders are afraid of people with the ability of happiness. Whom they like the most are the women with lots of wounds. However, men with relationship addiction cannot approach women whose wounds are treated and who are able to be happy by themselves and knows how their psychology operates. If the husband wants to live with the wife who has become happy, he will realize that he also needs to be treated; this will become a chance for him to recover the relationship. Just make a reference to this.